First Love

Sometimes you think you've gotten over a person, but when you see him smile you suddenly realize you're just pretending you're over him to ease the pain of knowing that he will never be yours. ~anonymous

It has been a week since I was left astray --alone in  limbo. Ever since in my Youth, I can always hear people saying "First love, never Dies". I have never understand to the meaning of it...until now.

It was foolish of me to let someone...someone worth more than my life go away. I pushed that person away from me. I was furious --enraged in anger and darkness succumbed my thinking and I was lost in it.

For almost one month. Every time we meet each other, I am to be dazzled by just a sight if this person. Staring at me at a moment then smiles, greeting me hello; and we go to different place I have never visited yet. We both started to share our thoughts of the future together, as one. As a forever-mate.

But things...unfortunately has to meet their ends. As I said earlier, I fell. I fell. I fell...and now broken. I was left alone, suspended in midair, cold. I have said bad and harsh things that I wished I never had. I have hurt you, not only emotionally, but physically. I should have thought of your well-being first. I was arrogant that time. I really never meant what I have said, I was clouded with ill thoughts, all I wanted was assurance, yes, assurance of security, that you still love me and only me, and yet I saw you with your "pinsan" sitting on a stone tiled floor, drinking together, and there was me, staring to the both of you. The thought of you and this guy irritated me, and there, was I...began to think irrationally, like you're already dating someone beside me for I haven't messaging nor updating you of my current situation. Honestly, I felt betrayed that time, I felt useless and alas, I wanted revenge. But no, for I couldn't. I am not that kind of person. I have loved you. Fully, fully that I gave up everything and willing to give up this...this thing you and I both share.

What you have just witnessed, was the other side of me. Probably you are already hesitant or worse, refused to see me once more for you've just seen the part of me which is wicked, a tyrant.

I just don't want the feeling of being neglected, being taken for granted even though for some I felt uneased and depressed but I have to endure it alone for I don't want you to worry about it. I have never told you the struggles I have faced for you have your own and I never want to add more pressure to it. We both have problems, we both do, we all do. Do you think I'm just a happy-go-lucky kind of guy? Well most, if not all, person knew me as that kind of person. But I am not.

Probably, our relationship is already beyond repair, you've never replied any of my messages  on phone, facebook and email. I have given you a really bad lasting impression after we fought. Sorry is all I can say. Sorry for being so naive, sorry for the unrequited love, sorry for being this stubborn. Right now, I wanted to feel you. I wanted to see you, I wanted to clear the gap between us.

You are still here--in my heart for you are my first love after all. I could never forget the memories we had shared. The times we spent together, the butterflies you gave me and the electric shock you've injected into me. 

THANK YOU FOR THE ADVENTURE.

I hope you'll find someone better than me --someone who can satisfy you more; and I hope we manage to cross again. 

I love you asawaq.